Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I've had about enough.
I know I'm gonna sin like crazy for saying this, but at times I'm really sick and tired of living with my parents. They're orthodox people who do not understand their children at all, in case they don't realise it. I think even my grandparents understand me more than they do.Not only do they see themselves as people who deliver the gospel truth (although they make alot of sense at most times and mean the best), they think whatever they are doing is right, and what they deem as wrong will be wrong. It's fucking annoying how they always go on and on about how they have to work and have no time for all other nonsense. Well, here's my 2 cents. I see the importance of earning money for the family, but hell, go ahead and do whatever you want and let me do whatever I want with my life. Since you can't provide me with so many things that exit the pathetic fucking boundary of monetary support, leave me fucking alone. If you have enough sense to say I'm already 18, I don't see how you don't have the ability to see the fact that I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Even till today, I choose my own schools, mould my own path, WITHOUT consulting you people. I can talk about nothing with you guys, except superficial mundane stuff.
So don't give me the shit and big hoo-haa when you spot a condom box in my room. And truth to be told, those were intended as VALENTINE DAY GIFTS for my classmates and schoolmates. And so what if I use them? Can the things that have been done become undone? No they can't, so just STFU. Your conservative minds never allowed your children any proper social education, so we learn it our way, with our friends. And if you find it hard to trust me with simple responsibilities, I find it really hard to become more than just the stationary mother/father-son relationship, where I see you for no more than 30mins in 24hours of my life everyday. Not that I want to see you guys, I'm pretty happier that way as well, honestly. I'm really happy the way I am, and I can't wait till I make my first penny, and move out of this god-damned place. All the beauty of the home is but illusionary, because beneath it lies a dysfunctional family, where the heads of the home aren't doing what they should, but rather, imposing their restrictions and traditions upon children who are half a century younger they are.
YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR SON, believe it or not. Come to terms with that fact, before you even start feeling the slight tinge of anger. Because your anger is but a feeling based on nothing close to UNDERSTANDING your children. What makes you happy, is seeing your children turn out the way you want them to be. Perhaps you might wake up from your senses, when you find out that your daughter has been making out with her boyfriend for the past few months or so on a weekly basis, when you think your angel has been the constant mugger and oh-so-interllectual street/life smart woman. Or perhaps I should start snorting coke, or heroin, or even create my own concotion of synthetic drugs. Because if it helps you both, or maybe potentially more parents realise the grim realities of the pathetic roles you have been playing, it might be worthwhile afterall.
Well here's the catch, in case you haven't quite realised:
Your son lies through his teeth, because telling the truth to you is just as good as bringing forth your heartattack or some shit like that. Your son also has a girlfriend, and has been with her for about half a year or so. What's more, he's also a vulgar boy who disses teachers and classmates alike, and loves music and singing. He also adores many of the "noise" you perceive, and always dreams of being in the biggest thing in Singaporean Rock history. He loves Philosophy, and has lost his faith in God, and His existence, just as how he has lost his faith in his parents, a bloody long time ago. He's been depressed before, and you people did practically zilch to help him overcome it. He had to do it himself, and it didn't help with all your fucked up sarcastic remarks that I will vividly remember. You know I'm thankful you're not English Educated, because this post alone might fill you with so much guilt, the world might stop revolving and for all I know, you might feel SORRY. All these while, whether or not I'm right or wrong, or if I have any grievances inside me, I have to bow my fucking head down and apologise, sincerely. And I meant every one of them, despite feeling so submissive after it. All because I'm a fucking Chinese, and born to ordothox, traditional parents who know nothing about equality, much more sparing more than half a second to listen to their kids and actually consider their input.
Does it even matter if I help you out at your shop? Because I only get dissed, scolded, mocked over and over again, while your fucking daughter is at home with her oh-so-busy university lifestyle. Truth to be told, I was in the exact same shoes as her, in fact busier, and I still put some time aside to help you when father goes to Japan. Well, ever seen your daughter even offering? Yeah of course she does, during crucial, strategic moments. And I had to do this since I was like Primary 4? While your dear youngest son is already Primary 5 has issues bathing on his own, much less help you right? Oh he's so weak, oh he's still young. Well, so when will I EVER be too old, or when have I EVER been too young to help out? Never. I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE.
I'm already so sick of living this life, and the things that keep me going are the things that you want to take away from me - My girlfriend, my music, my way of living my life. The things I love so much and dearly. Take them away from me one by one, and I will ensure the punctuation of my life in no time. Frankly, I'm not gonna give half a damn whether or not commiting suicide will ensure me a direct passage to hell. What's hell when you're already living in one on mortal earth? I'm merely existing because I care for the people I love, and have unfinished business. I do not yearn for material comfort or pleasure in the future, I just want to finish my business here, and get the fuck out of this life.
I'm feeling really sinful, but it's been inside me for so long, and I've just been avoiding this problem. I feel so much better now. I'm really tired, and please, for Pete's sake, give me a fucking break. If there's anything you can do, just leave me alone. You know how stupid it is to have a curfew when you're a guy and 18? Holy shit man, not even my girlfriend has one, and I do. I feel like such a wuss, like some protected Mummy's Boy.
Like Serene puts it stingingly, "More like Mummy's slave".
posted@9:58 PM